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Summary
The struggle for gender equality persists as societal expectations continue to demand that women sacrifice their dreams and ambitions for family, raising the question of whether a woman's sacrifices ever truly end, even in death.
On April 1, 2025, in response to a viral video of a mother dressed in iro and buba– a traditional attire attributed to the Yoruba people in Nigeria— showing off football tricks with her legs and doing it well, X user Probably Dafe quoted,
“Many Nigerians, especially mothers, become parents and give up their personality to raise kids. Many people never really meet the ‘person’ in their parents. It’s a sad reality. I will never forget the day my grandma’s younger sister was trashing boys in table tennis during lockdown.”
His post currently has 2.5m views, 41k likes, 8.1k quotes/reposts and 523 comments.
Feminist movements did not properly take root until the 19th, 20th, and 21st centuries. This means that women existed for 18 whole centuries before a proper revolution took place for them to do basic things like own properties, drive, vote, or even open a bank account. Despite the rise of feminism and the centuries-long fight for gender equality, women in Saudi Arabia were not allowed to drive until 2018, just 7 years ago.
Despite how far women have come, there are days when it still feels like no work has been done. I live in Nigeria, and I can boldly confirm that men are still seen as the ultimate prize: to be married to a man, to have his (not both of you’s) children, to start a family with him, to clean, cook, and tend to him and his children for the rest of your life is seen as the ultimate goal, still. Even the most progressive women will still make promises of “submission” just to attain what is seen as the highest rank of being a woman – marriage and kids.
Marriage and kids may not be the problem. It is a fine idea. Society, however, demands that your own goals wait, that you abandon yourself in reckless pursuit of your family’s growth.
“Let me get my master’s degree before I get married” turns to “I can do it in my husband’s house” and then subsequently turns to “Well, I’m married and I have kids. What’s more important than taking care of my home?” Gradually women leave their dreams, their interests, even hobbies at the doorstep and focus on their husbands and kids instead.
Of course, Nigerian women are high achievers; we don’t do things half-baked. Of course, there are still women out there who don’t allow marriage to stop their pursuit of self-development, but according to the societal rules (mainly created by men), it does get to a point where you have to pick. It’s fine to want to do your master’s degree or even PhD, even attain Professor but you want to be a footballer as a wife and mother? Not possible. You want to ride a dirt bike and participate in races? Unseemly. You want to be a pro wrestler or bodybuilder? Disrespectful.
It’s okay to want to pursue the seemingly “acceptable” heights of academics, but wanting something “out of the box,” you’re crossing the line drawn by society (read as men), and that is not good. You do not want to anger the society (men).
Even in Western countries of the world that are far more developed, it gets to a point where women are expected to “retire” from chasing dreams to focus on their families. In 2023, tennis star Serena Williams mentioned that “having another child contributed to her decision to step away from tennis, too.” She even went on to say that if she were a man, “in the health she was in, she’d probably still be playing tennis because she loves it so much, but family is also a very top priority.” Men, on the other hand, enjoy the luxury of making a choice to retire from impressive careers, and even if they claim it is to focus on family, it is arguable that most men do not do much in terms of raising and home-tending as their female counterparts. Although I do not imply that Serena was expected to retire, her citing her family as a contributor to her retirement is just another example of how even the most accomplished woman has to consciously or unconsciously think of their family eventually, even if it is at the expense of their own careers.
A woman could say she does not want to get married; after all, it is only in marriage that I can be bound. But the average member of Nigerian society does not recognise you as a “complete person” if you, at a marriageable age, are not married. I have heard instances where landlords refuse to rent houses to single women or immigration offices or banking halls, demanding that you bring your marriage certificate before something is approved. More recently, married women who were interested in serving in the National Youth Service Corps (NYSC) organised by the government were required to change their surname to their husband’s surname before even registering. It took the cries of Nigerian women online before they took the directive down.
Things like this often make me ponder and self-reflect on how many more fights women have to go through to even touch the hem of the garment of gender equality. I acknowledge the efforts of feminists, dead and alive, who have fought to even get women to be able to talk in the midst of men. But I still wonder, is this a fight to death? Is there a point where we meet in the middle ground? Is there a Barbie world where women are allowed to be equal, to do the same things men do without anyone delivering judgment without the “but she is a woman” bias? Is there a future where ALL men, too are expected to retire their dreams and even simple things like their hobbies to focus on their family? Or do we just keep fighting till we die and a new set of feminists are given birth to and handed the baton?
Up FemCo still, though, we fight and die fighting!
