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Summary
Marriage is often believed to be a platform for blissful living, but studies have shown that women bear the greater burden of keeping a happy and healthy home.
African society believes it is better to stay married than to leave a toxic relationship. The Yorubas will say, “Once you get married, your place (daughter) is permanently erased in the father’s house.” The Igbos practically “sell” their daughters at exorbitant bride prices, and the Hausa only care about celebrating the wedding in a grand style and pocketing the small bride price paid by the groom.
When the wife complains about the marriage, the older women often advise her that endurance is a sign of love and honour. Some say all men are cheaters; yours can’t be different. Just use pregnancy and food to tame him. Others say to think about your children; they should be your priority. Basically, African society always has advice for the wife, none for the husband. After all, the man is the head of the family, and patriarchy prevails.
But then, no one ever thinks about what the woman goes through. Even her mother wants her to stay married, not help her with the emotional labour. It is important to acknowledge that emotional labour exists in marriage, and the woman bears its burden. Aside from the toxic relationships and gender-based violence in marriage, the majority of women experience emotional labour in marriage.
According to a Gallup report, half of the working women feel stressed “a lot of the day,” compared to about 4 in 10 men. This is due to the competing demands of work. The home comprises part of the problem: working women who are parents or guardians are more likely than men who are parents to say they have declined or delayed a promotion at work because of personal or family obligations, Mothers are more likely than fathers to “strongly agree” that they are the default responders for unexpected child care issues. And 17% of women report addressing personal or family responsibilities at work “daily” or “several times a day,” compared with 11% of men.
Emotional labour in marriage is the process by which one partner feels solely responsible for managing emotions, maintaining peace and ensuring the overall well-being of both persons. It is when a spouse consistently takes the lead in restorative processes to avoid conflict, whether he/she is at fault or not. In an African society where the man’s voice is highly respected and honoured. It is not a surprise that women are constantly told to endure, preserve, and ask for forgiveness from the man, even if they are right.
For a marriage in which the people involved promise to be there for each other, women are often burdened with the responsibility of keeping a happy and healthy home. Thus, they stay in toxic marriages for the sake of their children, endure a low standard of life with their husbands, and even succumb to the authorities of their in-laws. Women stand by their husbands despite all odds, but they are easily blamed for errors in the marriage. Some women even accept insincere apologies for infidelity while enduring the emotional pain. Yet, her mother told her to stay married because of your children.
Women are known to be better at multitasking, but this has been used against them. Marriage requires that the people involved be a source of help to each other, but the reality shows the negative. Women are tasked with most household chores, including training the children on acceptable culture and morals. This invisible and unrecognised work falls largely to women, who spend three times as much time on unpaid work as men worldwide. This leaves them less time to pursue paid work or professional and personal development opportunities. According to a BBC news report, women spend 289 minutes on unpaid domestic work and 137 minutes on unpaid caregiving, whereas men spend 88 minutes on chores and 75 minutes on care work. They also spent less time than men doing paid work and engaging in self-care activities.
Yet, society believes the good child is for the father, and the bad one is for the mother. Today, women put their families first before their happiness. They stay in a two-parent marriage characterised by financial constraints and abuse for the sake of the children while they bear the emotional labour.
It is important to acknowledge the costly burden society has placed upon women in bearing the emotional labour in marriage. It is important to recall the process and challenge the inequality in marriage. After all, marriage requires the consent of the two individuals to promote a happy and healthy home.
