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Summary
This op-ed blends personal storytelling with social critique to examine the impact of patriarchy in Nigerian society, using the writer’s grandmother as a lens. From cultural double standards to systemic inequality, it outlines how patriarchy limits women’s potential, both historically and today. The piece urges readers to begin unlearning patriarchal norms and reclaiming space in every part of life—because women deserve more than survival. They deserve power, visibility, and freedom.
My Grandmother and the Many Faces of Patriarchy
My grandmother is one of the strongest women I know. Compared to people we think are the same age as hers, she can still stand well and do things by herself. She doesn’t have a maid or a caretaker who takes care of her; she lives alone in her house with her tenants in the boys’ quarters.
We don’t know how old my grandmother is. We deduce she is in her eighties but we don’t really know for sure. Why!? Her father thought it was a waste to send his female children to school and stopped them from schooling after their primary education. My grandmother is one of the smartest women I know. She used to be a big trader, selling gold and venturing into multiple businesses in her prime. Even though she couldn’t read or write, my grandmother made good money and sent her daughters to school. Even now that she’s old, my grandmother still engages in petty trading from the comfort of her house even though her daughters provide for her and have told her to quit.
I often wonder what would have become of my grandmother if she had gone all the way to finish tertiary education. Would she have been like some of my friends’ grandmothers, abroad in the UK and the US since the ‘90s and living a wonderful life? Don’t get me wrong—my grandmother is happy. She has a beautiful life with daughters and granddaughters who love her. But still, she could have been so much more if patriarchy hadn’t clipped her wings early on.
Patriarchy 101
According to CNN, Patriarchy is derived from the Greek word “patriarkhēs,” which literally means “the rule of the father.” It refers to a social system in which men control a disproportionately large share of social, economic, political, and religious power, and inheritance usually passes down the male line. As an African or Nigerian, this must sound very familiar.
When a man dies, who traditionally inherits his estate? His son. When a king dies, who replaces him? Usually a son. When a woman has five daughters and no sons, what is she told? “You need to give your husband a son.” When she finally has a son, what happens? Her husband is overjoyed, throws a lavish naming ceremony, and welcomes pats on the back from his male friends who tell him he has finally done well to have an heir.
This is patriarchy. It’s been ingrained in us for generations, often justified by religion or tradition. According to sociologist Sylvia Walby, patriarchy is “a system of social structures and practices in which men dominate, oppress, and exploit women.” That definition says it all.
We are socialised from birth to uphold a system that centres men and burdens women. And unfortunately, many of us carry it forward—unconsciously and even proudly. Everything we have been taught to do from birth is largely tied to benefitting men at the expense of women feeling discomfort and having to bend and twist their backs to intentionally or unintentionally make the world a better place for men.
How does Patriarchy manifest in Nigerian society?
Patriarchy shows up in the smallest, most normalised ways. Below are some examples of how patriarchy manifests in the Nigerian society:
- Women must stay virgins till marriage, while men can sleep around just because “they are men.” Women used to be tested in the olden days; no blood (which is not an actual indicator of virginity in all women) means you’re defiled and in the Yoruba culture, the groom’s family goes as far as sending cryptic messages like half-palm wine jar to show that the bride is “defiled and useless.”
- Do you know that special advice is given to women when they marry? “Be submissive, be humble, never raise your voice, always acknowledge your husband as your lord and saviour,” that’s patriarchy speaking. Marriage is supposed to be a partnership between two equal people. Therefore, one person should not have to play the fool while the other lords over them in the guise of “head of the house.”
- You see when boys or men are caught misbehaving, they lightly scold them and say, “boys will always be boys or men will always be men”, but when it is a girl or a woman, she is instantly regarded as a slut or terrible person, that’s patriarchy.
- You see how boys are allowed to stay out late, but it’s unseemly for their female counterparts to do so.
- When a teenage girl gets pregnant, it instantly becomes “How could you get pregnant? You are a disgrace,” and even sometimes she’s disowned or treated as if she has COVID-19 in her society while the boy gets off with scolding and continues his life, that’s patriarchy.
- “She’s really successful, but she’s still in her father’s house. ” That’s patriarchy. A woman is seen as incomplete because she is still single. It doesn’t matter if that’s what she wants; she’s still in her father’s house, and that’s all that matters. Even when she has moved out and is doing fine on her own, “she’s still in her father’s house.”
- Going out with a man who could be your business partner that you invited out for lunch and the waiter just glazes over you and focuses all their attention on the man, patriarchy.
- Seeing women who pay bills as emasculating is patriarchy.
- Churches and mosques not allowing women to minister or lead prayers is patriarchal— as default leadership is given to men and women are largely excluded.
- Regarding your female boss or colleague with less respect than you would accord your male boss or colleague, rooted in patriarchy.
- Allowing your boy child to sit and play while the female child has to be with you in the kitchen is patriarchy. Daughters are trained for service, sons for freedom.
- Automatically asking, “Is it a boy or girl she gave birth to?” or saying, “She has finally given birth to a boy” because boys are seen as the heir of a family name, that’s patriarchy.
- Telling a woman she’s too opinionated or loud while praising men for “manning up and speaking up” that’s patriarchy. In fact, phrases like “manning up,” “na man you be (when referring to a woman that has done something bold),” “Iron Lady,” and “woman like seven men” are all rooted in patriarchy.
And in case you’re reading this and wondering how any of this is wrong, the patriarchy got to you already, and it is time for cleansing. In my next essay, I’ll talk about how to break free and stay stubborn in a patriarchal world. But for now, sit with this: the little things matter. Stop breaking your back for a system that isn’t designed for your comfort, growth, or freedom.
There is nothing that makes a man more special than you. If anything—you’re better than a man.
