|
Getting your Trinity Audio player ready...
|
Summary
Many times, when men commit crimes against women, their proclaimed apologies are insincere. They shifted the blame for the crimes to the women. In this article, Dogo Joy examines how men's apologies persistently reflect misogyny and insincerity.
When we talk about apology, the first thing that comes to our mind is penitence, someone feeling sorry for their actions. However, for many men, an apology is just a quick getaway from accountability. They said sorry, so they expect it all to go away. The recent case with the Miss Universe 2025 highlighted this.
Mr Nawat, the director of the pre-pageant orientation in Thailand, was angry with Ms Fátima Bosch (Miss Mexico) for not participating in a group photo, which wasn’t mandatory, and when she tried explaining, he decided to rain a torrent of sexist rhetoric on her.
He called her dumb and told her to shut up and be respectful to him, as he did not permit her to speak. She told him he had no respect for her as a woman. Who would he expect the same from her? Enraged by her refusal to act passively and submissively, he decided to humiliate her further by asking that she be ejected from the hall. Instead of waiting to be humiliated further, she stood up and walked out of the hall. Even more impressive, all the other contestants stood up in solidarity with her and walked out. Disrespecting one of them is disrespectful to all!
This led to massive backlash and sponsors pulling out their support, forcing Mr Nawat to issue an apology in dramatic tears. In his apology, he said something profound, something we have all, at one point, heard from the mouths of many men, which is the focal point of this message.
He said, “I am human.” That very statement was telling!
“Does being a human make one naturally predisposed to misogyny? What in particular was human about his actions? How do you treat another with inhumanity and excuse away your actions by linking them to your humanity? Is he the only one who deserves human consideration but not Fatima?”
His words, which were meant to be an apology, ended up normalising what he did —that it was human to act that way. However, there is nothing inherently human about it, and nothing about our humanity predisposes us to act that way.
These three-word phrases led me to write this post and chronicle a timeline of men’s apologies and how to spot whether it is sincere or not. This timeline of insincere apology includes:-
1. Force majeure apology: This is one of the commonest types of insincere apology. It is a situation wherein men treat the harm they occasioned against women as if it were an act outside their control. In fact, they treat it like a force majeure (an act of God)! We have heard men say
“Men cheat. It rains everywhere. ”
“Men are naturally polygamous.”
“When a man is erect, the blood drains from his brain to his penis.”
“Konji na bastard (erection is a bastard)” to justify rape
By saying this or similar phrases, what he meant is that despite acknowledging what he did, his actions are excusable because it is inevitable and hence deserve an understanding from his named victims. In fact, it was fairly recent that war rape was treated as a crime. In time past, men raping women during or after war was treated as a ‘natural outcome of war,’ something that can’t be helped! After war comes mass rape, which was the natural order of things. Women were just natural collateral damage after the war. It couldn’t be helped because they are human.
Mr Nawat’s apology also comes under this head. By proclaiming that he is human, he is saying that he is sorry. However, his actions can’t be helped. Hence, we should be understanding and forgiving. A man who treats his apology as a force majeure (an act outside his control) is a man who has not learnt from it and will definitely do it again.
2. The time watchers: These are men or people who don’t apologise but expect time to wash it away. The case study is the R&B singer Chris Brown. He has quite a long wrap sheet of physically abusing women, including his once-girlfriend Rihanna. What he doesn’t have, however, is a track record of apologising for his actions. Interestingly, he has another long-standing track record of advising people to move on because it was done in the past.
This fact is interesting given that, despite apologising for punching Rihanna, he has not really apologised nor acknowledged his other assaults, which happened after his apology and claims that hitting Rihanna made him feel like a monster. Yet, he has repeatedly told his followers to just move on because many years have passed, notwithstanding that he is still the same person.
3. The Young and stupid: Chris Brown also falls within this category. He also has a track record of telling people not to judge him by things he did when he was young. This is quite interesting because the consequences and trauma from abuse are not something the victims outgrow just because they are now older. That abuse shapes their perception, future relationships, reaction to harm, defence mechanism, etc. The effect is usually lifelong except with extensive therapy. So, why do abusers get to leave behind their history of abuse, as well as their victims behind?
Like someone said, women are not collateral damage on your way to manhood or recovery. Being young is not an excuse to abuse women. It’s just SOMETHING YOU SHOULD NEVER DO!
A group of people who fall within this sect are negligent spouses and deadbeats. Men who are notorious for coming back 10, 20 years later, to say, “I was young and stupid. I didn’t know better. “ Interestingly, men like these impregnate women younger than them. Most teenage pregnancies are fathered by men who have already attained the majority. So how come men who are way older get to be young and stupid, but their young girlfriends/wives are made to step up and assume parental responsibilities at their age?
How come men get to live their best life as if they have no spousal or parental responsibilities, then check in 10, 20 years later to claim that they were young and stupid after living their best life? Why do men get to tap in and tap out of fatherhood at will?
4. Family accountability: The Case study is the Maroon 5 leader, Adam Levine. In 2022, he cheated on his pregnant wife with an IG model, which was even more embarrassing. He wanted to name the child his wife was carrying in her womb after the model. When he was exposed, he apologised. The closing part of his apology reads, “I have addressed that and taken proactive steps to remedy this with my family.”
Even when men apologise, they still want the women to show up by their side to clean up the mess they made unilaterally. You can’t create the mess all alone and then drag in your whole family to clean it and launder your image.
“We can get through this together as a family.” No, you created the mess, you walk through it and clean it up yourself
You can not hurt your partner and then be their mouthpiece at the same time. If they want to walk through it with you, that should be their decision. Deliberately acting in ways that cause harm to your significant other is NOT the normal ups and downs of a relationship. It is abuse. Normal ups and downs of relationships are abuse problems, fertility, housing problems, things you have no control over, not cheating, not battery, or marital rape, not that.
5. Blame shifting/victim blaming: Emily Ratajkowski’s response to Adam Levine captured this when she said.
“I don’t understand why we continue to blame women for men’s mistakes, especially when you’re talking about 20-something-year-old women dealing with men in positions of power who are twice their age… The power dynamic is so skewed. It’s ridiculous,” she added. “Like, it’s predatory, it’s manipulative, I can’t imagine.”
We have heard men say, “She seduced me,” “What was she wearing?” and all other classic victim-blaming phrases you can think of.
A person who apologises yet seeks to share the blame between themselves and their victims, or seeks to give ‘good reasons’ why their actions are, in fact, justifiable, is likely to do it again.
6. Victim swapping: This is different from victim blaming, where the person blames their victim for contributing to or inciting the violence against them. In victim swapping, the perpetrator attempts to assume the role of the victim, particularly when they suffer the consequences of their own actions. “She ruined my reputation.” “She is abusing me. She is just a crazy and bitter girlfriend.
7. Pity parties: These are perpetrators who go further to try to elicit pity from their victims by recounting their trauma or oppression. When Brock Turner, who molested a drunk woman, was sentenced, his father, after chronicling what a bright and prospective athlete and student he was, said to the court:
“That is a steep price to pay for 20 minutes of action out of his 20-plus years of life.”
When Danny Masterson was sentenced to 30 years imprisonment for the rape of 2 women, actors Mila Kunis and her husband Ashton Kushner, who are known for supporting victims of sexual abuse, decided to write a letter of solidarity to the court, talking about how he was a good man. They later retracted after receiving severe backlash.
When Kevin Spacey, who has only had public relationships with women, was accused of sexually molesting multiple men, he chose that as a time to come out as gay, hoping to draw solidarity from the LGBTQ+ community. Sharing your traumatic story when being accused of GBV is an attempt at deflection and to garner pity for oneself instead of the victim. Men are so used to waltzing through life without any sense of consequences that when they actually face one, they consider themselves victims in need of pity.
8. Excuses & Justification: “I know what I did was wrong, but you pushed me to it.”
You’re either sorry or you’re not. Explaining or minimising your actions as justifiable or excusable is not repentance. It means if presented with the same opportunity, you will repeat it.
8. mistake: How can a person say they are sorry when they claim their actions were mistaken or accidental? Just because you regret your actions doesn’t make it a mistake. You, in fact, intended the consequences but now regret it. Many women have come to internalise this also. Singer Omawumi said she would forgive her husband for a ‘cheating error’.
It made me wonder what is erroneous about a man chasing a woman for months, keeping late-night calls, paying for a hotel room, sending gifts, removing his trousers, and having an affair with her?
All these actions are conscious, deliberate, and calculated. What is erroneous about that? Where is the mistake? Where is the accident?
Men are free moral agents, and if he is really sorry, then he must be ready to take full accountability for his actions.
How to properly apologise
Having stated that, how do you properly apologise?
1. Reflect & positive change: An apology that does not come with an accompanying behavioural change for the better is just a quick getaway from responsibility. It means he will and would definitely do it again.
2. Taking responsibility: It’s not enough to tell your victim to get over it because it’s already been 20 years. Take responsibility. Apologise without giving excuses or justification. And your victims definitely do not want to hear about your trauma.
3. Restitution: This should be the end goal of every apology. As much as is humanly possible, try to restore the person to the position they were before the harm as much as possible. If I hit someone’s car, I shouldn’t just say sorry, but also take further action and try to fix it. I might not even have the financial strength to rectify the wrong completely; nonetheless, do all that is within your power to restore the person to the position they were before the harm.
4. Respect their decision: Forgiveness does not necessarily mean the person must remain friends with you. A person can not heal from a place of hurt. If you have broken a trust, then you must respect the decision they make about you going forward.
What women must never do
1. Reject victim blaming: The blame is not yours to bear.
Do not hold yourself responsible each time a man fails to act responsibly.
2. Reject shame & stigma: the shame is also not yours to bear. Speak your truth. The community will be ok. Like Mona Elthaway said in 7 Necessary Sins for Women & Girls, “If the community is ready for you, you are too late.”
3. No pressure to reignite: Do not feel pressured to reignite relationships even if you have forgiven them. A lady said her fiancé lied about a lot of things, and she broke up with him. When he asked them to be friends, even though she was still very hurt, she agreed because she did not want to look like a bitter ex.
Stereotypes exist. It is not your burden to bear. Do not feel pressured to make decisions against your interest. If you choose to reignite the relationship, it should be what you honestly want and what is best for you.
4. Forgiveness is not complacency: You can forgive and still want to talk about the issue. Conflict is a necessary part of change. Forgiveness is not acceptance, so sit through the discomfort and have the necessary discussions you need to have. Use that as an opportunity to discuss, renegotiate your position, set boundaries, establish standards, communicate effectively, and improve your situation. If you forgive and things go back to how they were, it’s an effort in futility.
Let it be known that forgiving now does not mean tolerating or being complacent. You wouldn’t tolerate future repetition and stay true to your words. Be prepared not only to set boundaries but also to enforce them.
5. Forgiveness is not silence: Do not let anyone tell you that the reason you’re still talking about it is because you’re hung up on it, and it still hurts you. Your anger is legitimate. And yes, you are free to talk from a place of hurt or healing. You don’t need to explain to people that you have healed. It’s your story to tell, and you’re right to tell it when it feels comfortable for you.
6. You can reject an insincere apology and demand a better one.
7. You can forgive and still walk away. You can forgive and still seek compensation for the harm done. You can forgive and still hold someone accountable. Forgiveness does not mean short-changing yourself and making decisions against your interests.
8. Do not let anyone police you: I have heard people say, “I am responsible for your action, and you are responsible for your reaction.”
This is a classic case of victim-blaming. Your reaction to harm is a NATURAL CONSEQUENCE of their actions. It’s like telling a child, “Look, I am responsible for beating you, but you are responsible for crying.”
If their actions naturally elicited the response, then they are responsible for both their actions and your natural reactions to the harm. Remember, do not share the blame with your abusers. They are 100% responsible for it.
CONCLUSIVELY
I want to say a big shout-out to all the contestants who walked out in solidarity with Fátima Bosch (Miss Mexico). Alone, we can only achieve this much. Together, we can accomplish that much. The possibilities are limitless if we stand in solidarity.
If they hadn’t stood in solidarity, Fatima would have been punished for disobedience. Still, because all the beautiful contestants decided to ‘get their hands soiled,’ they couldn’t single out Fatima and make a lesson out of her. Their collective action brought about a positive change that benefited not just Fatima but everyone. If one of us is in chains, none of us is free.
Editor’s Note: This story was first published on She Resonance.
