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Summary
Many so-called “feminist choices,” such as being a stay-at-home mum, changing one’s surname, or surrogacy, are often illusions shaped by pressure, poverty, and survival. True feminism is about dismantling oppressive structures, not negotiating for comfort within them.
Ask the majority of people, even women, what a feminist choice is, and they would tell you it is a choice made by a woman.
So whether she is choosing to be a stay-at-home mum, or choosing to change her religion and her surname, or even to commodify her body — it is a feminist choice, because every choice made by a woman is inherently feminist.
Take being a stay-at-home mum. On paper, it is a personal decision. But in reality, it is often looked down on. People see you as “jobless,” living off your husband’s money, instead of recognising it as a ton of unpaid, exhausting work. This attitude strips away your dignity and can make you feel trapped. You have no days off or sick leave, and because society doesn’t value it, your sense of worth can take a hit.
This makes it scarily easy for disrespect or even abuse to creep in. When you have no financial independence, it is much harder to leave a bad situation. You are not just a mum; you can become a prisoner in your own home, and the system makes it incredibly difficult to escape.
It is the same with traditions like changing your last name or your religion when you get married, especially in many African communities. They call it a “choice,” but what kind of choice is it when saying “no” means your family might disown you, your in-laws might threaten you, or you’re seen as a disgrace? For many women, it is not about what they prefer but about survival. You go along with it because the alternative, completely cut off or even in danger, is unthinkable. The so-called choice is just an illusion.
And then there’s the whole world of surrogacy. We hear about it as a beautiful, generous act, and sometimes it is. But too often, it is a transaction where wealthy women pay much poorer women to carry their babies. We’re told the surrogate is “willing,” but we ignore the desperation that led her there—poverty, lack of opportunities, no other way to feed her own kids. There is a brutal power imbalance: one woman with money and lawyers, another with just her body, left to take all the risk and blame. That is not a real choice; that is being forced into a corner by circumstance.
The truth is, feminism is not just about women having voices; it is about them using that voice without attached nuances. It is no secret that there is a comfortable space within the patriarchy. A space where you have a voice, but you only speak with the prescribed tone. You still suffer, but at least you signed a contract to do so. You are still a slave, a sub-human, but at least you wear fancy clothes.
Real feminism is not about negotiating for a slightly better deal within a broken system. It is about tearing down the structures that create these no-win situations in the first place. It is about fighting for genuine liberation, where every woman’s choices are truly her own, made from a place of power and possibility, not fear and survival.
It is not really a choice if you would be crucified for picking another option.
